


Emotional Closet Handjobs

by MysticMoonhigh



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, ask-spiderpool - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Funny, Hand Jobs, Humor, Kink, Kinky, M/M, Spideypool - Freeform, earth 9319, earth-9319, pitiful attempts at being funny, puns, this is very crack-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-15 22:50:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7241977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMoonhigh/pseuds/MysticMoonhigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter and Wade from the ask-spiderpool 'verse get shoved in the closet to sort out their problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotional Closet Handjobs

**Author's Note:**

> To take a reprieve from the stress of ask-spiderpool angst, I present to you handjobs.  
> My girlfriend and I came up with this idea together and she gave me a couple of really great lines, so I'm crediting her for those at the bottom.   
> This fic can technically be read without knowing about ask-spiderpool canon, but if you don't know about that, then what are you doing with your life? Also, parts of it will be confusing. Most of the jokes will not make sense. But if you're here for the sexy then *shrug*  
> This is in no way actually affiliated with ask-spiderpool or its canon. I mean. That should be obvious, but I'm just making sure you know.

Khamila Khan shoved. One of her hands was nestled firmly on Peter Parker’s back, and the other on Wade’s. 

“Alrighty then, boys.” She said, her eyes darkening in mischief as she pushed them towards the cramped space. “Time to go back in the closet.”

“What the-” Peter started, trying to turn and avoid being shoved in. But it was already too late. His shoulder bumped roughly against Wade’s as they were both pushed into the darkened storage closet, and the door slammed behind them. Peter’s hands immediately dropped down to the door handle, and he rattled it. Panic welled up inside of him as he realized that it had already been locked from the outside.

“I’m going to lunch. I’ll be gone for about an hour. Fix your damn problems!” She shouted. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and pranced out of the room like a boss. 

Peter’s breathing was heavy. He couldn’t be locked in a closet with Wade! He’d just punched him in the face like, two panels ago! He turned to the other, his back pressing against the door. His eyes hardened as went on the defensive. “I hope you know that-”

“I’M SORRY!” Wade wailed. Peter was cut off as Deadpool ran into his arms, tears streaming down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry. I was t-t-trying to push you away!”

Peter began to feel the tears well up in his own eyes. Even though Wade was a  _ major fucking jerk _ , he still loved him. He’d still missed him. And this was the most genuine thing Wade had done in months.

“That’s not an excuse.” He said, but his voice still wobbled. Wade’s tears became louder. The mercenary practically wailed against him. 

“I know! I’m sorry, and I’m sorry for crying all over you, but  tight spaces bring out my attachment issues.” He cried. Peter’s heart softened as tears began to fall from his own eyes. 

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you, even though what you did was way worse.” Peter pointed out, but still, he began to cry in earnest. Wade’s grip around his waist tightened. He wrapped his arms around Wade’s shoulders. 

Wade pressed his body up against Peter’s. All the emotions he’d felt, all the tension and the anguish over losing Wade and over Wade’s unkind words, began to bubble up. Peter clung to the other like the last liferaft on a sinking ship as he felt his own body shake.

“Kiss me you fool!” Wade wailed, his head pulling off of Peter’s shoulder. Peter’s hands shook as he reached up to quickly slide Wade’s mask up over his lips again. This. This was the catharsis that both of them desperately needed. Even though he knew that they would likely continue to have problems, (since whoever was running this damn universe seemed intent on making them suffer) he knew that they could fix a good chunk of them like this. 

Wade’s own hands traveled up Peter’s body to pull his mask up. As soon as both of their lips were free Peter plunged forward, moaning as  Wade’s body heated up against his own. 

He opened his mouth and Wade opened his. Their tongues darted out to gently caress each other’s, Wade’s wet lips pressing against his own making Peter feel like he was either flying or falling and he didn’t know which. Wade’s mouth was so hot and so wet and so damn  _ inviting _ , Peter felt like there was no way just this kiss would be enough. Wade’s body rolled against his and Peter inhaled sharply, his cock beginning to take interest in the situation. 

The heat and the emotional strain and the  _ want _ he’d been feeling for so damn long swirled together in a cocktail of hormones and need. Wade pulled away from the kiss and instead placed his lips on Peter’s jaw, sucking and licking and nipping his way down to Peter’s neck. 

“Fuck,” Peter moaned, “This is so out of character. Normally we’d fight for at least-Ahh!” He cried out in pleasure as Wade’s hand moved down to grope his ass through the spandex, and he arched against the other man. “At least another two-thousand words before we had hot makeup sex.”

Wade pulled off of Peter’s neck, panting hard. He connected their lips again, a sound of low satisfaction resonating from his throat. When he pulled away, a trail of thin saliva followed him. 

“Fuck, yeah. But I don’t have any lube on me.” He said. He paused for a moment before shrugging and proposing, “Emotional closet handjobs?”

“Sounds great to me.” Peter said. He shoved Wade off, (not to be confused with  _ getting _ Wade off, which is still yet to cum) his eyes drifting down to the bulge in the other man’s pants. 

He dropped his hands down Wade’s chest, pausing for just a moment before he hooked his thumbs under the spandex of the other’s pants and pulled down, just far enough for Wade’s hardened cock to bob out. 

“No underwear?” He asked. Wade laughed nervously.

“Of course now, how else would I-” He cut off with a gasp as Peter’s hand wrapped around his cock. Tears were still streaming down his face, and he bit his lip hard. The emotional pain and the physical pleasure created a medley not unlike a weird sensation fruit salad. “Oh, fuck!”

“I’m sorry I said you needed me.” Peter said, leaning forward to nuzzle into Wade’s neck. Wade’s hands found their way to his crotch, cupping his erection through his pants. Peter arched into him, a moan practically ripping itself out of his mouth. “Fuck, I need  _ you _ ... to keep doing that.”

Wade obliged, his other hand pulling at the waistband of Peter’s pants. Soon enough Peter’s cock was also freed, and Wade’s hand wrapped deliciously around it, immediately beginning to set a reasonably fast pace. Peter’s cock twitched in the other man’s hand, a glob of precum welling up on the tip. 

“F-Faster.” Peter panted. “As fast as you run away from your problems.”

“Low blow.” Wade said. 

“Actually, we’re just doing handjobs.” Peter reminded him. Wade laughed, still crying. Peter was still crying too. All of this sexy times, and still they are crying. 

“Oh God, I’m rubbing off on you! And rubbing you off.” Wade said, his shoulders shaking. “I just love you so much and I’m afraid to lose you. I felt like you leaving on your own would mean I was unwantable, so I tried to push you away. Because me making you leave meant that when you did, I wouldn’t have to confront my feelings about my own self-worth.”

“I know, I know,” Peter panted back. He cut off, his hips thrusting up into Wade’s hand as another wave of pleasure crashed over him. “I’m not taking that into account sometimes. I’m forgetting how fragile you are in my anger and that’s never gotten me anywhere good. P-Please!”

Wade used his free hand (and every single bit of his willpower) to move Peter’s hand away from his cock. He stopped his own hand on Peter and reached out, grabbing the other’s hips and bringing him close, so that their hardened arousals were pressed up against each other. He wrapped his hand around the two of them. 

But his hand alone didn’t quite cut it. Peter’s own hand wrapped above his, Peter’s thumb coming up to rub at their cockheads. Wade began to pump again and Peter followed his lead.

Peter’s free hand ripped off his mask, revealing his eyes. He reached for Wade’s, something primal and urgent rising within him. Wade didn’t move away, but his pace faltered. “If you’re gonna make me cum, you’re gonna look me in the eyes when you do it. And I’m gonna look you in yours.”

Wade didn’t argue. Peter slipped off Wade’s mask, and both of the pieces of fabric fell to the floor. Wade’s reddened, watery eyes looked particularly blue in the low light, and Peter pressed their foreheads together. 

“God, I missed you.” He said. He began to thrust his hips in time with Wade’s movements, not holding back any longer. Wade hissed at the feeling of another cock gliding against his own. They were both hot and hard and aching, and knowing that Peter was that aroused by  _ him _ made it all the better for Wade. 

“I missed you, too. Need you right now. You were-- you were right.” He admitted. Shame burned in his gut. It did nothing to quell the fire slowly building in his veins, spreading to his limbs, burning hotter and hotter as he began to work his hand faster and faster.

Peter knew he’d be embarrassed by the sounds coming out of his mouth later on. But right now wasn’t later on, and he was unabashedly moaning in pleasure. His body wouldn’t stop moving against Wade’s, every single cell he had was singing. It was delightful. 

“So close.” He panted, looking deeply into Wade’s eyes. “This is the best I’ve felt around you in months.”

“Rude, but well-deserved. Wanna make you feel like this all the time, I’m so sorry.” Wade said. “I’m sorry I shot at you earlier. I’m about to do it again now.”

“I guess we could call this the climax of the story?” Peter asked, words coming out in a moan as Wade pushed him closer and closer. “Kiss, (punch in the face, closet handjobs,) and make up?”

“God I hope so.” Wade said. His hand really was moving as fast as he ran away from his problems now, and his hips were moving along with Peter’s, just barely on the brink of orgasm but trying to hold on just a little longer.

“Fuck, Wade. So good.” Peter said. He connected their lips heatedly again, already drunk on Wade’s touch and craving more. The kiss was all lust and tongues and teeth, and Wade’s hand tightened around the two of them. Finally, Peter was pushed over the edge. He came so hard he saw stars, his legs shaking in pleasure as his hips worked furiously. Their hands milked him for all he was worth, and he practically shouted, “Wade!”

“Peter!” Deadpool returned. He tumbled over the edge himself, and he bit his lip against the noises that threatened to spill out of him. They were, after all, still in the closet. People could walk by, or something. Apparently Peter just didn’t give a fuck about being heard.

They both came down from their highs together. Wade raised his hand to his mouth on instinct, immediately beginning to lick the mess off of his hand. Peter watched with lust-darkened eyes, embarrassed to say that that sight of Wade licking their cum off his fingers was fucking  _ hot _ . 

Wade saw him watching, though. He paused, raising his eyebrows. “We’re going back to fighting soon, aren’t we?”

“Probably.” Peter announced. “Might as well make the most of this while it lasts.”

Wade reached down to grab Peter’s own cum-covered hand. He made a small noise of agreement as he brought Peter’s own hand to his mouth, gently beginning to lick the other’s fingers. Something hot and urgent rose up in Peter. God, he wished Wade had brought lube with him in here. 

“I’m sorry I punched you in the face.” He said. Wade hummed in acknowledgement, but didn’t stop licking the cum off of Peter’s hand. Peter’s voice dropped into a low, husky thing. “I’ll pound you again later tonight, if that would make up for it?”

Wade looked up with eyes still darkened by lust, and he slowly nodded. “Oh, please do.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Lou (my lovely Buttercup Snickerdoodle Gumdrop) suggested the lines, "I'm sorry I said you needed me... Oh God, I need you to keep doing that" and also "I'm sorry I shot at you... I'm about to shoot something else". I tweaked them a bit, but both of those were still her lines and I wanted to give her proper credit. 
> 
> Also, if you liked this fic, I have other spideypool stuff. Including a finished 40,000 word teacher au *awkward thumbs up* So if you liked my humor, maybe check out some of my other stuff?
> 
> Leave a comment or follow me on tumblr @MysticMoonhigh!


End file.
